That’s it! I am done! I can’t take this any more! I should die and then I won’t have to ever deal with any of this. These were the thoughts that surrounded me for a very long time a few years back when I decided to study a course. Little did I know that this decision would be the worst one ever.
Since my childhood I have been really good at my academics. I have been teachers’ favorite, basically I was on top of my game and then life happened. I joined a course which I can’t tell about as it will bring the negative attention to that institution. I joined this course filled with excitement and determination, but all this was shoved down the gutter once I met a teacher who was a typical example of a nazi. This teacher was not very supportive of me being in this course, let alone in this institution. I was looked down upon and laughed at in my class in my teacher’s presence, which shattered every bit of my confidence and it slowly affected my mental health. This went on for so long that I started to think that maybe I deserve what is happening to me, maybe I am not built for this, or worthy to be with such rich and high class family children with an age gap. I, for countless times, did my best to put all this aside and focus on what I wanted to do, but all my efforts were never enough for that particular teacher. My mental health was at its worst. I got severe depression which made me suicidal. I tried everything in my power to avoid going back to the institution and face anyone there. I use to call in sick, I took leaves, I would even hurt myself so that I won’t enter those black gates. My frequent absence raised flags but for all the wrong reasons, it was rumored that I got pregnant and what not.
No one, absolutely no one, reached out to me to ask the reasons, instead I was called in to councilors office to discuss my grades and whether I should continue studying here or not. I went in with my mother, who at that time was aware of my situation and mental health, I was uncomfortably sitting there for more than an hour crying, sobbing and not being able to say anything or even express what was I going through. My mother on the other was complaining about my mental and physical health that how it declined over time. While doing this she burst into tears and couldn’t speak further, which almost gave me a heart attack and at that time my mother and I, we knew what should be done and at that moment I was able to speak only 2 words ‘ I QUIT’ and I left the room hiding my tears, a part of me felt a strange relief and other was filled with instant regret for making my mother go through this and wasting a good lot of her money.
This experience in my life was a lesson in disguise. I learnt never to keep away your friends who want to help you, in this case which I did. I lied to two of my true friends who really cared about me in the institution. I kept them in dark about my situation as I was embarrassed about it. I never wanted them to think any less of me. During this time no one was able to understand me, not even my own self but somehow my mother and my best friend, who is now my husband (Alhamdulillah) were there to support and understand me when I decided to open up to them. My experience with depression and damaged mental health may be a joke to some or even non-existent, as in our society such issues are dealt with less care and with little or no understanding about the cause, and is regarded as an excuse to escape.
But trust me when I tell you that this is not an excuse to escape. Depression and anxiety are real diseases which can end up killing a person. Being an individual who has had firsthand experience with this suicidal state, I want to request each and every one to be supportive to all, regardless their age, class, sect or ethnicity, and help them in any way you can. Do not add to their misery by being mean and rude. To those who are having such experiences, do not hesitate to walk away from what’s hurting you and don’t be ashamed to ask for help.
Submitted to “Share To Aware” by Komal Faizan